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At the Doctors
Dentist (to talkative patient). — » Open your mouth and shut up.
The man was suffering from a bronchial attack, and as a result of it he was unable to speak above a whisper. The illness was slight, but painful, and he decided to call at the residence of the. doctor who had just moved to town.
The patient appeared one evening at the doc¬tor’s front door, rang the bell, and after a short wait stood facing the doctor’s young and pretty wife.
«is the doctor at home?» he asked in his bron¬chial whisper.
«No,» the young wife whispered in reply. «Come right on in.»
At School
«Jim,» said Brown, «what did you call your mother-in-law after you got married?»
«Well, I’ll tell you,» replied Jones, «for the first year I addressed her as «Say,» and after that we called her «Grandma!»
Teacher — «When was Rome built?»
Percy — «At night.»
Teacher — «Who told you that?»
Percy — «You did. You said Rome wasn’t built in a day.»
Prof.— «Name two pronouns. »
Stude — «Who, me?»
A Sunday-school visitor asked the children what he should talk about,
and got an immediate answer: «Talk about three minutes.»
Army
«How many times have I told you to fall in for these formations on time, private Smith?»
«I don’t know, sergeant. I thought you were keeping the score.
» Sergeant — «Did you shave this morning, Smith?»
Rookie — «Yes, sir.»
Sergeant — «Well, next time stand closer to the
razor.»
A soldier asked another: «What do you do when somebody puts you questions about some secret matters?»
«I begin whispering him some crazy answers.»
«Why whispering?»
«Because many people believe everything you tell them — if you whisper it.»
Family & Marriage
«Darling, I have to go to New York on busi¬ness,» said the young married man. «It will only take about three or four days and I hope you won’t miss me too much while I’m gone, but —»
«I won’t,» answered his young wife, positively, «because I’m going with you.»
Advice to Persons about to Marry: Don’t.
«What did you divorce your husband for?»
«Two hundred dollars a month.»
A young seaman asked an old sea wolf — «Do such ships like ours often sink?»
«No — not often. Only once», was the reply.
«When we arc married I must have three ser¬vants.»
«You shall have twenty, dear, but not all at once.»
Court and Justice
Judge (in dentist chair) — «Do you swear that you will pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?»
«Have you ever appeared as a witness in a suit before?» asked the prosecutor,
«Why of course!» replied the sweet young thing.
«Will you please tell the jury just what suit it was?»
«It was a blue suit,» she replied quickly, «with white collar and cuffs, and buttons all the way down the front.»
American British English
Bernard Shaw said that America and England were two great nations sepa¬rated by the same language.
«I speak four languages,» proudly boasted the door man of a hotel in Rome to an American guest. «Yes, four — Italian, French, English, and American.»
«But English and American are the same,» pro¬tested the guest. «Not at all,» replied the man. «If an English¬man should come up now, 1 should talk like this: ‘Oh, I say, what extraordinarily shocking weather we’re having! I dare say there’ll be a bit of it ahead.’ But when you came up I was just getting ready to say: ‘For the love o’ Mike! Some day, ain’t it? Guess this is the second flood, al! right.'»
British English
A visitor from England startled at dead of night by a terrifying hoot asked his American host: «What cawn that terrifying sound mean?»
«It’s an owl,» the host explained.
H’l know, but who’s ‘owling? «
When Gypsy Rose Lee heard that her G-Siring was going to be published in London, she wired her publishers, «Who is going to make the English translation?»
The British Ambassador walked briskly into the foyer of a Washington hotel, and stopped for a moment to speak with one of the bright-buttoned servitors in the lobby. After he walked on, an assis¬tant manager who had noted the incident, went over to the boy and said, «What did the Ambas¬sador want?»
«I don’t know,» answered the bell-hop. «He couldn’t speak English.»
Witness (in an English Court) — «The shock caused my wife to go off into asterisks.»
Riddles
«How many times have I told you to fall in for these formations on time, private Smith?»
«I don’t know, sergeant. I thought you were keeping the score.»
‘If the Dean doesn’t take back what he said to me this morning, I am going to leave college.» «What did he say?» «He told me to leave college.»
«Now, Mr. Blank,» said a temperance advocate to a candidate for municipal honours, «I want to ask you a question. Do you ever take alcoholic drinks?»
«Before I answer the question,» responded the wary candidate, «I want to know whether it is put as an inquiry or as an invitation!»
«You have an admirable cook, yet you are always growling about her to your friends.» «Do you suppose I want her lured away?»
«Did you pass your exam?»
«Well, it was like this — you see —»
«Shake! Neither did I.»
Sergeant Millberry caught a sol single button unfastened.
«Oh,» he sneered. «Sunbathing, Smith?»
«I wish I had enough money to buy an ele¬phant.»
«What on earth do you need an elephant for?»
«I don’t. I just need the money.»
Eiting
«One drink always makes me dizzy».
«Really?»
«Yes — and it’s usually the eighth.»
Sentences with Implication
She — «You remind me of the ocean.»
He —»Wild, romantic and restless?»
She — «No, you just make me sick.»
«Harry, if I were to die, could you marry again? »
«That question is hardly fair, my dear,»
«Why not?»
«Because if I were to say «Yes», you wouldn’t like it, and to say «Never again» wouldn’t sound nice.»
«Look here, now, Archie,» said a father to his little son, who was naughty, «if you don’t say your prayers you won’t go to heaven.»
«1 don’t want to go to heaven,» sobbed the boy; «I want to go with you and mother.»
«There ought to be a special place in Heaven for ministers’ wives.»
«Perhaps you’re right,» responded the minis¬ter’s wile, «but I would much rather go with my husband.»
Judge (sternly) — «The next person who inter¬rupts the proceeding will be sent home.» Prisoner — «Hooray!»
«How do you like bathing beauties?»
«Can’t tell. I never bathed any.»
«What did you divorce your husband for?»
«Two hundred dollars a month.»
«I got a real kick of kissing Jane, last night.»
«Any more than usual?»
«Yea, the old man caught me.»
«Don’t you find writing a thankless job?»
«On the contrary, everything I write is re¬turned to with thanks.»
Business
Those who try to do something, and fail, are to be preferred to those who try to do nothing, and succeed.
A notice was put up on the door of an office: «If You Haven’t Anything to Do, Don’t Do it Here!»
Employee — «I have been here 10 years doing three men’s work for one man’s pay. Now I want a raise».
Employer (slightly Scotch) — «I can’t give you a raise but if you’ll tell me who the other two men are I’ll discharge them».
«Have you ever been offered work?»
«Only once. Apart from that, I’ve met with but kindness.»
A fiery tempered Southern business man wrote the following letter:
«Sir, my stenographer, being a lady, cannot type what I think of you. I, being a gentleman, cannot think it. You, being neither, will under¬stand what I mean.» Boss — «You are twenty minutes late again. Don’t you know what time we start work at this
office?»
New Employee — «No, sir, they’re always at it when I get here.»
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